Yours Sincerely

...and I'm still staring straight at that dim, orange hue from the switch of that power socket.

I am feeling very irritable for no reason....ugghhh!!!! Since I am currently not feeling all too bothered about people's view on what I'm about to say next, I shall let it off my chest.

Following the previous post, I am drawn to believe that individuality is a dying truth & legend in the making.
*don't get me started on Jacques Derrida's Deconstruction Theory*



Now, think carefully folks; what were your trail of supposed life plans? We seek success in various context, be it career, education etc. We claim that achievement is of our own. We label that success as a trophy of our ability to achieve what others couldn't have because we "made-that-move-on-our-own-initiative." We use that to define whom we are; awards and approvals by others alike.

I'm sorry, but my current mindset doesn't allow me to subscribe to this thought. Recently there has been a lot of events going on in KL that sometimes it's hard to keep up. No, I don't attend any of them because I personally don't see the point. A very good friend of mine felt disappointed when things didn't turn her way in a competition held by a prominent computing company; I've gotta admit - I felt bad for her not because she lost, but rather because I harbour feelings for her & in doing so I was biased. Sue me.


Of late, I've been very tired of studying; I've got to admit, I'm not even trying hard enough because I mediocrely pass all exams without putting in half as much effort as most people. Call it demotivation but I personally feel the whole pursuit for approval is getting me no where. I'm not conceited because never once in my life I had the thought of "I-will-surely-ace-this," and same applies to the reverse; I just have no expectations. Praises and uplifting support from many different parties through my twenty three odd years of life have been common, and I don't see it stopping anytime soon; that applies to everyone else, readers or non readers of this page alike. It's a blessing to some extent I suppose. The only difference is that I've grown indifferent to it; a gesture to congratulate no longer means anything to me.

Really, what is it that we have done that is worth without the approval of some individual or some organization? As far as my vision allows me to see now; absolutely nothing. Bureaucracy made it as such that whatever we do it has to be stamped approved by a higher authority. . . and then I'm drawn to the next question;

Individuality; mine was never there. More than half the time is spent doing something to please another person. Even if it's about myself, it would be at the approval of someone else at some point in time. . .

. . .or it used to be there. I had a dream a couple of nights ago; it was like a time walk through my childhood. The good old days when we're surrounded by a myriad of games, puzzles and as I add to the list, I feel more miserable because during then I was happy. Never did we needed anyone to tell me that we've done a good job for the staggering monument that we've built out of plastic blocks. We were happy for what we've done. I was happy.


Jimbo introduced hiking to me awhile back. He is my teacher, consultant and friend in one earthly body. In the first few hikes, I felt that I was doing it to show Jimbo I could; and I did. Definitely not the most fit person you'd meet but I did. Now, I'm doing it because the approval is mine to seek, and mine to award. I needed a reason to believe that I, as someone myself have not vanished from this planet.

Perhaps there's some hope left; and I sure hope this doesn't stop anytime soon. I believe in miracles, do you?
...yes, Apple was me.

P.S. I need a change in image - haircut time.

I've given up too much for things and people that I believe in, more so often the returns are nil. I've contemplated suicide; but why? Why am I still sitting here? Cowardice; that's what I'd call it. I know very well the fact that people hate my guts; but when things come crashing down onto them, somehow they'll ring my alarm first. What guts? I have none of those. I've sorted out problems way beyond my control many a times; but when have I sorted out my own problems?

So again, why am I still alive?

Earlier, caught in a mind trap, I told myself that the end to everything would be mortality. Death, is something I'm always surrounded with, but never too familiar. Whenever a crisis of such magnitude crop up, my first response is to contemplate suicide. Die already, I tell myself. Still, I'm sitting here waiting. . .

Thoughts shifted to the glory of immortality. What if I couldn't die? Heck that would be great at first glance but the truth is more morbid than the literal meaning it embraces. If I was immortal, I could wait long enough to change the world. Change minds. Change people.

If.

...later I realized that if I was immortal, and the rest aren't, then I'll again be alone. I'll be caught again in the same trap I fell into for eternity. No. That's not what I want. I don't need such torture till the end of time. I don't want it! NO! So why not end it all?


Not yet. I'm not done yet. . .because as we are all humans, we're weak. . . and that is a good enough reason to live another day, to be stronger. Even if it's a lie I have to tell myself. . .

|I stare at a kid crossing a street, with an oncoming car; & I did absolutely nothing about it.
|Someone told a joke but I'm not even laughing at it.
|An old man wheeling himself on a wheelchair, & all I see are muscles tied to a frame of bones.


Malignant; you don't want to be near me for the time being.

It's only four days, and I am missing you already. . .

That zipper; hanging loosely over the lady's handbag. I stared at it, thinking of mining, logistics, purification, molten iron, cast, large industries, distribution, then consumer products. . .

. . . another emotional breakdown suppressed; I wonder how long more can I keep this up.